The Draco Malfoy Show
by Darko28
Summary: The trio get stuck inside Draco Malfoy's fantasy show! Watch as they try in vain to escape from Harry and his evil sheep! Stare in amazement as Ron makes his move on Neville! Does Fred have homo-erotic tendencies? Find out! Chapter 6 up!
1. Potions Class

Nararator: WELCOME TO THE DRACO MALFOY SHOW!!! Starring…  
  
Draco Malfoy!  
  
(Draco walks on camera with his signature smirk and gives a wave to the crowd.)  
  
Narrator: Featuring….  
  
Harry Potter.  
  
(Crowd boos)  
  
Ron Weasel.  
  
Ron: You know its Weasley, Malfoy! If you want me in your deluded fantasy, at least get my name right!  
  
(The audience throws old garbage at Ron.)  
  
Ron: Hey, that hurts! Ow! Those tin cans are sharp! Hey!  
  
  
Narrator: Also featuring….  
  
  
Hermione Granger.  
  
And…Ginny Weasley!  
  
Ginny: Malfoy you perv! Why am I in only a towel?  
  
Malfoy: It's my fantasy and I say you wear a towel!  
  
Scene 1- Potions Class  
  
Narrator- Draco Malfoy, stunning, handsome, debonair, rich, 6th year student at Hogwarts. He enters the classroom 10 minutes late.  
  
Snape-Mister Malfoy! 50 points for Slytherin for being so deliciously saucy!  
  
Ron (to Harry) -Does Snape seem a little gayer to you? Or is it just me?  
  
Snape-What was that Weasley? 100 hundred….million points from Gryffindor!  
  
Ron-You can't do that!  
  
Snape-Yes I can!  
  
Ron-No you can't!  
  
Snape-Yes I can!  
  
(before Ron can retort, a bright green light hits Snape in the chest.)   
  
Everyone-Gasp!  
  
Harry-My wand slipped.  
Draco-Oh my God! You killed Snapey!  
  
Ron-You bastard! I mean…way to go Harry!  
  
Draco-But wait a minute…that wasn't in the script! Someone would have had to change it. And there are only 2 copies…."  
  
Ron(in a singsong voice)- We've got a copy…  
  
(Harry pulls a script from behind him and grabs a quill)  
  
Harry-Lets see…what shall our first revision be? Hey that rhymes. Ah, yes, Draco Malfoy is wearing a bunny suit!  
  
(Draco looks down. He is now in an enormous white bunny suit, complete with a bow around the neck)  
  
Draco-I'm huggably soft! And mad as hell!  
  
(Draco grabs the quill and the script out of Harry's hands. Draco scribbles something on the paper . Suddenly Harry is dressed in full Little Bo Peep attire, with the bonnet, and a sheep as well.)  
  
Harry: Little Bo Peep?  
  
Draco-Sorry, I got writers block.  
  
(Harry turns to the sheep and kicks at it.)  
  
Harry –Go away, you ugly ball of fur!  
  
(the sheep bites Harry's ankle and knocks him to the ground)  
  
Ron-Little vicious isn't he.  
  
Hermione-Oh, well.  
  
(Draco starts writing again. But before he can write anything important, Ron grabs at the script. Draco keeps a hold of it and they both tug at it, causing it to rip in half.)  
  
Draco-Good going Weasel! You ripped! Now all of the magic is gone. We can't get out of my fantasy or these ridiculous costumes until we find the other script!  
  
Ron-Oops.  
  
(Lightening flashes from outside the classroom.)  
  
Draco-I just noticed that everyone else is gone.  
  
Ron-Freaky.  
  
Harry-But how does a whole class of students just disappear?  
  
Draco-Because someone has got the other script and is messing with it….  
  
(Suddenly we hear a loud evil laugh)  
  
Evil Laugh-Mwahahaha!!!  
  
Hermione-I'm scared Ron, hold me.  
  
(Ron does so, with a smile on his face.)  
  
Is this the end of our heroes? Who is the evil madman holding them capture? Should continue this story? All these questions answered after ou review. And this commercial break. 


	2. The disclaimer

I'm sorry, silly me I forgot a disclaimer on chapter one. SO here goes my disclaimer-  
Disclaimer-I don't own a thing. Not a single thing. That goes for al the chapter and every fanfiction I've ever written.  
  
Since I don't want to waste a whole chapter about disclaimers and other such things, here goes my dedications.  
  
Dedications-To My Mom and Dad. Thanks for conceiving me so I could go on to write such a masterpiece., And to my best friend Tuilindo, for always telling me when one of my fics was a piece of crap. Thanks to my dog Molly for retyping the story for me (just kidding) and thanks to the Skateboarder guys across the street. You were my inspiration. Tear… 


	3. Who is the culprit?

Disclaimer-I don't own anything.  
  
A/N: I have to give out writing credits. My sister helped me with this chapter. The Virgil thing I made up though. She made up the hotdog thing.  
  
The Draco Malfoy Show: Scene Two  
  
Nararator: We now rejoin our heroes as they try to escape from their dungeon prison.  
  
Draco(pounding on the door)- We can't get out! We're stuck!  
  
Harry-Try the doorknob, asswipe.  
  
Draco-Oh.  
  
Nararator-Draco opens the door, revealing a dark, desolate hallway.  
  
Ron-I'm starting to get a bad feeling about....  
  
Harry-Me too.  
  
(Draco starts to walk down the hall.)  
  
Draco-There's nothing to be afraid of Potty. See-aaahhh!!!!  
  
Draco runs and hides behind Hermione as Ginny enters the corridor, still in merely a towel.  
  
Ginny-Malfoy, I am going kick your ass! Get me out of this bloody towel! Wait....are you wearing a bunny suit?  
  
Draco-Ain't I adorable?  
  
Ginny-Actually, no. You just look like an insane guy in a bunny suit.  
  
Harry-So true...  
  
Ginny-Harry, why the hell are you in a dress?  
  
Harry-Why the hell are you in this fic?  
  
Ginny-Hey, hold on a minute! I am not here on my own freewill! Malfoy's the one who put me in his stupid fantasy. I'd rather be back in the real world, playing only a bit part in the world of Harry Potter.  
  
Harry-Wouldn't we all?  
  
Hermione- Oh do shut up Harry, you're in a dress. Do you really think anyone is going to take you seriously? Not that we usually do anyway...  
  
Harry-What was that Hermione?  
  
Hermione-Nothing...oh look. Harry, your friend's back again.  
  
Sheep-Baaa.  
  
Harry-Damn ball of fuzz...go the hell away!  
  
Ginny-Did you notice that everyone else disappeared?  
  
Draco-It's odd...  
  
Harry-They're probably on strike. Knowing you Malfoy, you probably don't pay your extras very well.  
  
Draco-Shut up Potter. It's not me, someone's messing with the script.  
  
Harry-And I think I know who it is....  
  
Ron-Is it Pennywise the Dancing Clown? He always did give me the creeps...(doing Pennywise impression) 'They all float down here...' That dude was one weird ass clown. Let me tell you-"  
  
Hermione-Ron. Shut the hell up.  
  
Harry-No, it must be-"  
  
Ron-Ralph Nadar?  
  
Harry-No.  
  
Ron-Artemis Fowl?  
  
Harry-No.  
  
Ron-N'SYNC! It's N'SYNC isn't it!! Those bastards! I always knew they were up to something with all that dancing, and singing and shit.  
  
Harry- No. It's-  
  
Ron-Sigmund Freud?  
  
Harry-No.  
  
Ron-Virgil?  
  
Harry-Who the hell is Virgil?  
  
Ron-Nobody....  
  
Harry-I think it's Voldemort.  
  
Draco-No it isn't.  
  
Harry-And why would you say that?  
  
Draco-Because, if you must know-  
  
Ron-We must, we must.  
  
Draco-Because he's on vacation in Bermuda.   
  
Ron-Lucky bastard.  
  
Ginny-I think we should explore the castle, looking for other people. People who aren't in towels.  
  
Draco- You mean naked people? I'm game. Has anyone here ever played Naked Twister?  
  
(Ron raises his hand, then quickly lowers it)  
  
Ron-Not on purpose.  
  
Hermione- That's enough! We need to get out of here. Let's go down this dark corridor toward the eerie music.  
  
Harry- You mean toward the guy who has a gleaming butcher knife with red ketchup on it.  
  
Ron- Maybe he has hotdogs.  
  
Ginny- Do you ever think with anything other than your stomach?   
  
Ron- Yes but its unmentionable in a PG-13 fic.  
  
Harry- And Scene.  
  
Narrator- Is this the beggining of the end of our heros? Will they figure out who is behind their captivity?   
  
Ron- It's Virgil.  
  
Narrator- Rude much. I wasn't talking or anything like that. Hmph.  
  
Ron- Sorry  
  
Narrator- As I was saying. Will the heroes get some hotdogs? Will Ginny ever have any clothes beside a towel? Find out in Scene #3 


	4. Ron and Draco?

Disclaimer-I don't own anything.  
  
A/N: Welcome to the fourth scene. My sister helped me with this chapter so kudos to her. Thanks for reading and please review.  
  
Scene 4-  
  
Narrator-We open with our heroes walking down a dark corridor. Lighting suddenly strikes and all the power goes out  
  
Ginny- Could you be any more cliched?  
  
Narrator- Seems someone has the same annoying habit as her brother.  
  
Ginny- Whatever. Get on with it already. And please be a tad original. In those stupid horror movies the girl in the towel is always the first to go, and if I die, I am so coming back as a ghost and haunting Draco.  
  
Draco- Why me?  
  
Ginny- You, dumbass, are the one who created this bizarro fantasy and are my boobs bigger?  
  
Draco- It's reality now. Your just lucky they didn't get ahold of my other idea...  
  
Ginny- You mean there is something worse than this out there. I am going to kick your bloody ass.  
  
Draco- Anyone want to switch partners?  
  
Ginny- Yellow bastard.  
  
Ron- Go Monty Python. Go Monty it's your birthday, get funky.  
  
Harry- Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?  
  
Sheep- Baaa  
  
Harry- Shut up or you're the first to go!  
  
Everyone gasps  
  
Harry- Not that I'm in control of the order or anything...but if I was (shakes fist at sheep)  
  
Ron- Ah, Homer Simpson my idol  
  
Sheep-Baaa (Four-eyed freak)  
  
Harry- What did he say?  
  
Narrator- I don't know sheep curse  
  
Ron- Where did that sheep come from?  
  
Sheep- Baaa Baaa Baaa (Now Ron's not exactly a pillar of lucid thought but you can't believe he's this stupid)  
  
Narrator- It's not that big a stretch.  
  
Ginny- Back to the damn story and can we have a costume change. I would rather wear anything than this.  
  
Draco- I'll change with you  
  
Harry- God please no. I don't want to imagine Malfoy in a towel...again  
  
Hermione- Malfoy in a towel, yummy... I mean yuck, sick, twisted, and a whole lot of other adjectives. Stop looking at me like that.  
  
Draco- Hermione's jonesing for the Draco man.  
  
Ginny- I am going to need a whole lot of therapy after this, provided I don't DIE FIRST.  
  
(Door creaks open at the end of the hall. Music from "Invincible" the new Michael Jackson cd starts playing)  
  
Ron- Turn it off, turn it off !!!!!! My ears are bleeding.  
  
Draco- I kinda like it  
  
(Draco starts doing the moonwalk down the hall)  
  
(The rest of the gang follows. Suddenly Hermione is pulled into an empty classroom)  
  
Narrator- Dun Dun Dun!  
  
Ginny- What's with the Dun Dun Dun? (panicking) What happened? Who got killed? Everyone count off. One!  
  
Harry- Two  
  
Sheep- Baa  
  
Draco- Five  
  
Ron- Twenty  
  
Narrator- Four  
  
Ginny- You people are hopeless! Right Herm? Hermione? Uh oh!  
  
Ron- No big loss  
  
Ginny- Wasn't she your girlfriend?  
  
Ron- I'll find someone (scoots closer to Draco)  
  
Draco- Uh... NO  
  
Harry- End Scene  
  
Narrator- What will happen in the next scene? Will Draco become Ron's new girlfriend? Will our heroes ever play naked Twister? Find out next time on The Draco Malfoy Show!!!!!!! 


	5. Smooth Neville

Disclaimer- I don't own anything.

A/N: Omigod! Can you believe it? After a long wait, yes, I have actually updated! I know, I know, I really should do that more often. I'll try but I'm not making any promises. Anyway, here's chapter five. Please leave a review or drop a line if you have any comments. Thanks for reading and enjoy!

Chapter 5-

Narrator-We now rejoin our heroes as they explore the scary, dark, abandoned castle...

Draco-For the last time, stop pinching my butt!

Ron-You know you like it...

Ginny-Stop bickering. We need to find the extra script.

Draco-What?

Ginny-Remember? The demented guy keeping us here has the extra script? Remember, that's the plot?

Draco-Holy shit! There's a plot?

Sheep- Baaa...

Harry- Shut up!

Sheep- Baaa...(bow to me gluesniffer!)

Harry-What did he say?

Ron-You're a gluesniffer?!

Harry-What?! I am not!

Draco-Jeez, Potter. You're addicted to the Elmer man, aren't you?

Harry-What?!

Narrator-So, anyway, our heroes are walking along, traa la la la la la., when they hear a ghostly nose.

Ghost-Boo!

Draco-Ah! 

Narrator-And suddenly, out of nowhere, a ghost in a white sheet appears moaning and flailing his arms about.

Ghost-Boo!

Ron-eek! A white sheet!

Draco-It's a ghost.

Ron-Oh. Eek! A ghost!

Ginny-For heaven's sake!

Narrator-Frustrated, Ginny walks over and pulls the sheet off the ominous figure.

Neville-Boo!

Ron-Eek!

Ginny-Neville! What are you doing!

Neville-It's not my fault! Some guy in a Halloween mask payed me twenty bucks and told me to scare you.

Ginny-Neville. I'm ashamed.

Neville-Does that mean you won't let me get to second base.

Ginny-Sorry.

Neville-Crap.

Harry-Hey, Neville, you know what this guy looks like. Come and help us find him. You can replace Hermione.

Neville-Okay.

Narrator-With a sly smile Ron moves closer to Neville.

Ron-Hi.

Neville-(nervously) Uh, hi.

Sheep-Baa...

Narrator-And with that, Draco leads the group down the deserted hallway.

Tune in next week to find out what happens to our heroes!


	6. Following the Leader?

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Disclaimer: I don't own anything. J.K. Rowling is the one who owns it all with her billions and billions of dollars...

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A/N: Well, not as long of a wait as the last time, huh? I'm v. proud of myself for actually continuing this. Usually I would have given up on it a long time ago. Thanks to all of you who have stuck with it too, reading and reviewing. You guys...*tear*...you are my heroes. My *tear* inspiration for writing. Thanks.

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Summary: Stuck in Draco's morbid fantasy world, the gang must battle their way out of his demented show and try to survive the wrath of a crazy murderer, who we have figured out is NOT, I repeat, NOT Neville. Thank you. Have a good day.

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Author: I go by many names, but most recently **Punk up the Volume**

Title: The Draco Malfoy Show

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Rating: PG-13, for some...naughty bits I felt I couldn't resist. Also thematic elements (Harry in a dress, Neville is a sheet. Draco...just Draco).

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The Draco Malfoy Show

Chapter Six

Today's Episode: 

Narrator: We rejoin our heroes at a time of panic. With Neville as their new Hermione, sexual tension has grown amongst the group...

Neville: I said no, Ron!

Ron: (wide, seducing grin) I'm just being friendly-like.

Neville: Pinching my butt is not being friendly-like! It's sexual harrassment!

Ron: (pouting) No need to get all technical.

Narrator: Neville nervously moves to the front of crowd, anxious to get awa from his attacker.

Neville: What's with the disembodied voice?

Ginny: (sighing) I dunno, it's just some guy who keeps following us around and darting into the shadows whenever we turn around.

(Neville turns around and a small figure darts into the shadows)

Neville: (Shrugs) Hmmm.

Draco: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Harry: Yeah! Are we there yet? Wait...where are we going?

Narrator: Everyone stops and stares at Ginny, obviously the pillar of mental ability in the group.

Neville and Ron: Hey!

Draco: (nodding) True.

Sheep: Baa. (Bow down to my superior genius puny humans!)

Draco: That sheep is still here? I thought it disappeared in the fifth chapter.

Ginny: Unfortunately, neither did Harry.

(Everyone turns to Harry)

Harry: (looks up to see everyone staring at him) Hey! Ever thrown rocks at cops?

Neville: What the...

Ginny: Forget it. He's on his own wavelength.

Harry: Guess what! Once, I ran out in the rain! With my socks on! Great, huh?

Draco: Obviously, Harry's in no fit way to continue on our journey. Who votes we kill him?

(Nobody raises their hand. Neville starts to, but then, after a glare from Ginny, lowers.)

Narrator: I'm with you.

Draco: Sigh.

Sheep: (Arguing with Harry) Baa!

Harry: Baa yourself!

Sheep: Baa! (Screw you)

Harry: You know what I'm hungry for? Lambchops!

Sheep: Baa! (Take this you ****!) 

(Sheep bites Harry in the crotch)

Harry: (Crying out in pain) Ahhh!!! 

(Attacks sheep with his sheepherder's crook but misses)

Draco: Well, isn't that special. But that doesn't give me the answer to my question. Where are we going?

Ginny: Well, obviously we arew headed...um, well the stars point south, right...to the left...which side does moss grow on trees?

Neville: We are so screwed...

Ron: Speaking of being screwed... (moves toward Neville and starts stroking his arm)

Neville: No! (distaches himself from Ron and grabs onto Ginny's arm.

Ginny: I know exactly where we are going! We are trying to find the script and get ourselves out of this mess.

Narrator: I feel a bit useless.

Harry: That's what my friends call me. (Harry nods)

Draco: So, basically, we're wandering around aimlessly hoping that a sign will fall in our laps.

Ginny: Essentially.

Narrator: At this point, a large metal oject crashes to the ground, right next to where Harry is nursing his attack wound on the ground.

Harry: Hey, guys, look! A sign fell in our lap.

(Ginny and Draco look at eachother is shock. Ron picks up the sign and reads it aloud)

Ron: Turn left to find killer.

Ginny: That was quite concise.

Draco: Nobody has a flair for the dramatics anymore.

(Sighing, Ginny leads the group around the corridor just to bump into a mysterious figure draped in the shadows)

Mysterious Figure Draped in Shadows: Ouch!

Ginny: Oops, sorry. I mean, Eek! Another new character to pick up repeating story lines and dropped ratings. Ahhhh!!!

Mysterious Figure Draped in Shadows: Oh, hey guys! How's it going?

Ginny: Fred? Is that you?

Mysterious Figure Draped in Shadows: Yip.

Draco: Where's your twin?

Ginny: Yeah, where's George?

Fred: (mimicking) Where's George? Where's George? Why does everyone always ask me that? Am I not a single, solitary person? Are we conjoined at the hip? Are we some sort of homo-erotic duo that cannot breathe without the otherone within a five foot radius of the first? Am I not a person? Am I not a person! (breaks down and starts crying)

Draco: Wow,we made your brother cry like a baby!

Fred: It's not you, you Malfoy prat! This is seventeen years of pent up frustration and anxiety flooding out here! This is twenty seven hundred galleons worth of therapy flooding out of my this very moment. Don't you realize what a deep mental breakthrough this is? I've just realized why I have all my nervous tendencies, my constant nightmares, my homo-erotic fantasies, why I've never really been able to love anyone-

Ginny: Why do you keep saying "homo-erotic"?

Fred: (snaps his fingers) There you go! Another breakthrough!

Narrator: So ends th dramatic fifth chapter of the "Draco Malfoy Show"! Join us next week to find out the answers to these questions: Why is Ron attracted to Neville? Why does the sheep have a superiority complex? Why does Fred keep saying homo-erotic? Tune in next week to find out!


End file.
